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What, me Worry? From Atheist to Pastafarian worried about the future of our environment

Leigh Cooney | Interrobang | Opinion | December 4th, 2006



Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.
I was so pleased to receive so much fan mail a few weeks ago; I was thinkin', gee whiz, I'm gonna get me a fat head if y'all aren't careful. It's the Holiday issue though, and His birthday is just around the corner. That's right, I've turned a new leaf, I've found peace…in my saviour - the Flying Spaghetti Monster. More on that later.

I would like to send out my sincerest apologies to the students of Fanshawe, for writing something so politically incorrect. You're right, I was usually way too hard on certain religious groups; I was an atheist, or possibly a militant atheist, whichever term you prefer. Sadly I once believed that, as Christopher Hitchens once wrote “all religions are versions of the same untruth, I hold that the influence of churches, and the effect of religious belief, is positively harmful.”

I thank my legions of fans for getting me back on the path of righteousness. Of course I'm sure these same students utilized their extensive understanding of logic and critical thinking to see through all those pathetic fabrications I had devised.

Many of you may wonder, “What has come over poor Leigh? What happened to the guy who believed in anti-racism, pro-choice, secular education, left of centre politics, feminism, and individual sovereignty. Well I'll tell you what happened to that Leigh. He's gone, and good riddance to bad rubbish is what I say. People have claimed that I might hate religion, but I offer you another side of me, just in time for the holidays.

Now I would like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the…ahem, I mean I recently became a member of the Pastafarian Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. For those of you who are unenlightened, I will quickly explain the deity. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was um… given notoriety on December, 25 2005 by Physics graduate Bobby Henderson to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution. In an open letter on our website, the messenger Henderson himself, opened the world's eyes for the first time to our creator, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. As Pastafarians, we feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing toward evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence put in place by Him.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster advocates that our alternative theory be taught in any school that promotes Intelligent Design as a concept. If schools don't agree with this then we will be forced to take legal action. As the prophet Henderson explains, “If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead on another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

“Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it.” See http://www.venganza.org.

We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75 per cent of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

So as you can see, I am a new person ever since I was saved by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is also my duty as a Pastafarian above all else to enlighten others to our beliefs. So please Fanshawe Students, e-mail me and we can form a group together of like-minded individuals to promote His birthday on December 25, perhaps we can even exchange presents and start a Club.

The only thing you must remember is that you must spend as much money as possible on presents. The more money you spend, the more it shows you care. In the mean time, please visit the official website of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster at: http://www.venganza.org/. Happy Holidays from the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in whom we Trust.
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