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Iraq war about advancing porn industry, not WMD

Dick Reiser | Distorter | Distorter | September 26th, 2005

As the U.S. continues to explore Iraq for Weapons of Mass Destruction, a secret dossier was leaked by the Pentagon revealing an ulterior motive for the invasion of Iraq, to establish a Mid-East porn industry.

Abu Mustafa is part of a small market of vendors of pornographic videos operating in Baghdad, and sells about 75 DVDs a day, with movies from Lebanon and other Arab countries the most popular. “I tried lots of other jobs,” he said, “but this has been a most promising and profitable opportunity.”

Before the invasion, Iraq was one of the world's most tightly controlled societies. Only a few specially licensed stores could sell alcohol, and in recent years drinking was banned in restaurants and hotels. A committee in the Ministry of Culture kept a strict watch against even mildly naughty movies, magazines and films. Convicted prostitutes could be beheaded. But since Iraq has been liberated it is becoming widely known as the new Saigon.

As soon as 21-year-old Abe Vigoda arrives in Baghdad he heads straight to Abu Abdullah's. “I don't have a wife,” he confesses. “I don't have enough money to get married. So I come here.” At Abu Abdullah's, $1.50 buys 15 minutes alone with a woman. The room is a cell with only a curtain for a door, and Abe complains that Abu Abdullah's women should bathe more often. But the young man says it's still a big improvement from Saddam Hussein's day. Back then, he says, the only establishment for a poor boy like himself was at a Gypsy settlement on the capital's western outskirts. “But now there are plenty of places.” He grins. “Now we have freedom.”

But the freedom comes with a price, as Abe would find out days later, infected with crabs from one of the women at Abu Abdullah's. “I had to shave all my body hair and bathe with a special soap. It could have been worse.”

As part of the liberation process, College Invasion: Iraq is being filmed in various parts of the country starting in October. U.S. president George W. Bush has also appointed porn star legend Ron Jeremy as a special envoy to Iraq, and he will work closely with the American embassy in Baghdad. Jeremy's agenda is to establish a viable porn industry, and he's invited Seymore Butts to be his special guest to help budding porn directors get a grip on this rising industry.

“India has Bollywood, Iraq will be Sin City,” proclaimed Bush.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
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