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Holiday season with modern twist

Ebenezer Turdmen | Distorter | Distorter | December 4th, 2006



Where oh where has all the parking gone at the mall now that the calendar has flipped to December. Here we go again now that the Holiday Season has sprung full force. It's that very special time of year when people from all walks of life join in the centuries-old tradition of trying to find a parking spot at the mall in December.

Instead of sitting in your car cursing everyone and their mother while you drive aimlessly looking for that coveted parking spot that will put you within a kilometre of the mall doors, Father Harry O'Flannagan suggests try putting some traditional thinking in this obvious adventure.

“Try driving around the parking lot until you see a shopper emerge from the mall, then follow them driving slowly behind them. Get into the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking spot, err, the manger with the baby Jesus.”

The commercialism of the season isn't lost on O'Flannagan but he isn't about to throw in the towel on the traditional Christmas TV special.

“I love the old cartoons like Charlie Brown and clay-mation of Rudolph. Who doesn't. I miss the old Christmas variety special, and I'm hoping the CBC airs the old Rita McNeil one this year, I'd even settle for Anne Murray.

“Really, how touching is it to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who could have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?”

Another modern twist is that now we are entering the “Holiday Season”, but in the old days Christians called it “Christmas” and went to church; Jews called it “Hanukkah” and went to synagogue; and atheists went to parties and drank.

“I remember people passing each other on the street would say Merry Christmas! or Happy Hanukkah! or (to the atheists) look out for the wall!, but those days are long gone,” lamented O'Flannagan. “I even had a parishioner complain about by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas at the end of service. The P.C. police are everywhere.”

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
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